Nikki, Mellie and Hogwarts OhSnap!
by NikEmz
Summary: We are on a mission. A mission for muggles everywhere. A mission with two goals. One. To NOT get Avada kadava'd. Two. To not screw up the Harry Potter story line. Help us... :Offensive Language: :Um, HARSH Honesty, May cause offense:
1. Breaking News: HOGWARTS IS REAL!

**Firstly, hello. ;D This is a story shared between _Nikkitasaurus_ and _EmzEmz. _This story was written between us ages ago for fun. But we thought hey, _let's get some FF brownie points and upload it!_ It's in first person, has many mistakes and will annoy you if you're a story line nazi. We screw with everything. Everything. We can asure you that we'll probably offend you, but will make you laugh aswell. n-n Well, have fun?**

**Disclaimer:** Anything you recognise is not ours.

**Warning:** Swearing, lots of swearing.

**Nikki, Mellie and Hogwarts. OhSnap!**  
**  
Chapter 1 - Breaking News: HOGWARTS IS REAL!**

The first bang against the window meant nothing, we didn't even hear it. Well, it wasn't a big thump, it sounded like a little tap above the music, but we thought nothing of it. Breath by Breaking Benjamin started on my iTunes, and I reached for the speakers to turn it up a little more. A little more couldn't hurt; it was loud enough as it was. Every word blasted into our ears, and we sung along. Terribly, but it was terrific in a Nicola and Emelia sense.

The second time when the knocking-like sound happened, we thought that somebody was probably flicking things against the house, complaining, because we were making so much noise. I didn't even know if my Mum was calling me from downstairs because we were enjoying ourselves so much, head banging and laughing.

But the third time... No, that was just pushing it.

I jumped from the bed and roughly pulled my curtains open, shouting. "YOU WATCH! I'M GONNA SHANK EVERY GIT WHO'S DOING THA-"

"Nikki! Calm down!" Mellie screeched as she stepped towards my window from the computer chair. She pushed me back down to the bed and looked at me seriously, and for a split second I thought she was going to make a move on me, but then she started laughing her head off.

"You bloody lesbian!" I groaned, as she opened my window and took a look outside. I pushed myself up from my bed, and stood behind her. But as soon as I had done so, she squealed and before I knew it, I was back on the bed again. Her on top of me.

I pushed her off me and she fell to the floor. "JEEBUS CHRIST, YOU TART! WHA-"

I was cut off, again, by Mellie.

"No, Nikki!" She screeched, picking herself up off my wooden flooring. She started to jump up and down, like she was a five year old, and started pointing to my shelves. I gave her my usual look, as I do when she goes mental, and turned to what she was pointing at.

There, on my shelves. Right in front of me. What Mellie was still doing her little pee-dance and pointing at, were two animals.

"Jesus, Mary and dear Joseph." I mumbled out with much difficulty.

Owls. Two of them.

* * *

"Nikki?" I think she was having a bit of trouble believing it. So, to check I waved my hand in front of her eyes. Nup, she was completely out of it. I shrugged and knelt on her bed looking at the owls... And the letters... on their legs. Oh my god. This was too good! Someone was definitely playing a cruel, cruel joke.

I looked at what was on their legs – small, neat envelopes closed with an official red wax seal. With the _crest_... No, surely... My fingers trembled a little in excitement, by this time Nikki had joined me and was inspecting the owl holding her addressed envelope. I was the 

first to untie the letter. I actually fell over backward in shock went the owl thrust its leg into the air in a swift can-can motion. They really did that! Awesome!

"Wah dah fu..." Nikki murmured, having now untied the letter and turning it over skeptically.

"It's got to be a joke." I said, nodding smartly as I held the letter. I hate the feeling of paper. I was touching it gently, scared it would go poof. Suddenly there was a screech, a flap of wings and both owls upped and left. They flew straight over my head; I screeched and fell back again.

Nikki, unfazed by the owl that had just nearly killed her had the nerve to laugh at me. The nerve! I glared at her before we sat, for the longest time just staring at the addresses on our letters.

My letter had a little extra on the front, saying:

**'(Just for the night.)'**

Nikki and I stared at the infamous neat, script slanted handwriting. I took a deep breath, having trouble with ruining the perfection of the letter, and broke the seal opening it. I heard Nikki gulp and withdraw a breath as well.

Two pieces of folded parchment fell out. I picked them up and scanned both quickly. One was a letter, the other was a list. I picked the letter first, reading it. Nikki hurriedly flicked hers open and started to read her letter, too.

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY**

**Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore**  
(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)

Dear Miss. Emelia Smith

_I hope this letter finds you well. I send this letter on a formal and informal note. I shall start with the formalities. _

_You have been accepted into Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins immediately due to circumstances. As soon as we get a reply you will be escorted to school by a member of our staff through the transportation we call the floo network._

_Due to the belated invite, you will have a choice of either entering in 1st year or straight into 3rd. You will be provided with a tutor if you choose the second option. On that note; we apologize sincerely for you not being rightly enrolled on 1st September two years, 4 months and 18 days ago._

_Our delay in invitation is unknown and a current investigation is being held._

_Now; on the less formal note, Miss. Smith. As you read this I am visiting your current permanent residence for permission of your enrollment._

_We hope to hear and see you soon, we are sure both you and Miss. Larkham we be excellent students. My good friend, Julie Tomkins informs me you are both intellectual and 'fun'._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

"Holy shit!" I screamed, dropping the letter before diving for Nikki's phone. Without asking I punched in my Mutti's mobile number and waited anxiously for her to pick up. She did, her voice shaken, determined and unbelieving. "SAY YES!" I screeched down the phone and screamed again for extra emphasis and slammed it down. I looked up at Nikki and saw her face pale. I expect I was paler than usual too.

I picked up the second letter. A list, but not like any others, the books and everything else looked so awesome...

**All necessary books and equipment for first year students:**

UNIFORM  
**Students will require:**

**Three sets of plain work robes (black)**

**One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear**

**One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)**

**One winter cloak (black, silver fastenings)**

Please note that all pupils' clothes should carry name tags

COURSE BOOKS  
**All students should have a copy of each of the following:**

_The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1, 2 and 3)_ **by Miranda Goshank**

_A History of Magic_ **by Bathilda Bagshot**

_Magical Theory_ **by Adalbert Waffling**

_A Beginners' Guide to Transfiguration_ **by Emeric Switch**

_One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi_ **by Phyllida Spore**

_Magical Drafts and Potions_ **by Arsenius Jigger**

_Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_ **by Newt Scamander**

_The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection_ **by Quentin Trimble**

In the special circumstances your second year and third year books will be provided.

OTHER EQUIPMENT

**1 wand**

**1 cauldron (pewter, standard size)**

**1 set of glass or crystal phials**

**1 telescope**

**1 set of brass scales**

**Students may also bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad**

Any questions please do not hesitate to send an owl.

I repeat.

Holy shit.


	2. Fiction vs Reality

**Nikki, Mellie and Hogwarts. OhSnap!**  
**  
Chapter 2 - Fiction vs Reality  
**

My trembling hands grasped the letter, and I was positive that if I held any tighter, the letter would most surely tear. I let go and lunged for Mellie's letter, snatching it out of her hands without saying a word, ending up sprawled over her legs and half hanging off the bed. I compared our letters, and discovered that they were the same, although I couldn't have expected any less.

I turned and lifted my head, to reach Mellie's gaze. A smirk formed across my face. "Well. That's that then. I'm getting a cat." I said matter-of-factly grinning at her, dropping the letters and envelopes to the floor, and feeling stuck over Melia's lap. She rolled her eyes. This was too real to be a joke.

"And this also means," I started off, just understanding a sentence that stuck out at me in the letter, "That our beloved Headmistress is a witch, and-.."

Suddenly, I heard my Mum scream in rage.

"GET OUT. WHO ARE YOU? CRAP. OH MY GOD. AH!"

"Madem. Sorry. CALM DOWN MADEM"

"Calm down?! CALM DOWN?! You're holding me God knows how high in the air and you expect me to be CALM?! YOU GREAT BIG OAF!"

I crumbled a little inside before shooting a puzzled look to Mellie, and darted off my bed and down the stairs, grabbing her arm as I did so. Quicker than I ever had done before, I raced down. Even quicker than when my Mutti had always called me downstairs for dinner.

I skipped the last three steps, letting go of Emelius and landed with a light thump on the downstairs floor. I ruffled my hair quickly and could now hear Emelia following behind me, but my head seemed to be focused on what was in front of me. I'm sure Mellie said something to me, and called out in surprise but I didn't really hear.

I was too busy looking at what was in front of me. There was a... giant. In my house. Holding my Mother by her foot. I laughed. It seemed all too real. I didn't dare imagine what was going through that girls head. All I could possibly think about was how Mellie could now really torture all those idiots she hated.

Now, I know that some people's first reaction would have been; "Get off my Mum! Get off! Who are you?" And all that tragic crap. But I just laughed. Seeing my Mum being held upside down was quite hilarious.

I wiped my eyes from tears of laughter, craning my neck to stare up at the dude, transfixed.

"Well, you mus' be... Smith or Larkhan." The man said. He must have looked at me, but I wasn't aware. I had already looked away. Too busy looking at the cracks in my doorway. My door had been completely ripped off and left was a hole big enough for this great lump to fit through. How could I of not heard this happen? I turned back around, rubbing my forehead, confused and feeling a little dizzy. I really didn't know what to think.

"Larkham." I said, putting emphasis on the ending. EVERYBODY got the ending wrong. "Er… Who are you?" I said, in an unusually high pitched voice.

"Rubeus Hagrid**. **But you can call me Hagrid."

I nodded, shakily. Of course he was. Half in a daze. "Can you, put my Mum down.. please?"

* * *

_**MELLIE**_

I was a few steps behind Nicola, staring at Hagrid. She knew him, right? That's why it's a joke. There are books. It's fictional, all from J.K's head. Not... surely…

"Err. O. Yea. Sorry." The supposed half-giant set Nikki's mum on the ground. I stared at him, then at Nikki's mum, then Nikki... "Smith!" He exclaimed pointing to me, then at Nikki. "Larkham! Emelia Smith. Nicola Larkham."

Both of us shared a nervous look, before nodding at him in unison. He clapped his large, dustbin top-like hands and cheerfully grabbed a large umbrella I had just noticed leaning against a broken doorway.

"Come alon'!" He gestured to the door, stepping aside. "Oh, nah. Righ'." He looked at Nikki's mum again and took out another parchment. "Yer need to sign tha'.." He then lifted up one sausage finger before fishing in his pockets again and handing another parchment. "And this."

"What's this?!" Mutti Larkham screeched and snatched it hastily, then backed off away from the giant's hand and started to scan both parchments with one in both hands. She was red in the face, god she must have been angry.. Or held upside down too long.

After a moments silence… I've never seen another mum erupt before. It was quite an experience; it seems all mothers erupt the same. Faces like hell and large movements with lots of shouting.

"Is this a JOKE?!"

That's about the only thing I heard before she started screaming is such a high pitched it was too high for the human ear to accept.

Then, there was a faint popping sound above the screaming and I looked faintly over at the middle of the room. There, in the middle of Nikki's living room was Albus Dumbledore, tapping Mutti Larkham's shoulder and bouncing merrily on his feet.

Holy shit. Holy shit holy shit. This wasn't a joke.

"Nik.. I needa lie down.." I murmured, pushing Nikki's shoulder as I came over faint. She'd just noticed our new headmaster too. We were going to go to Hogwarts! Learn magic! See evil and cute animals! Ima' get an owl! We're going to FLY ON BROOM STICKS.

Ho' shit. I think I fainted, everything's black. Damn! Sorry Nik! I didn't mean to faint on you!!


	3. We're going to HOOOOGWARTSSS!

**Nikki, Mellie and Hogwarts. OhSnap.  
**

**Chapter 3 - We're going to HOOOOGWARTSSS!**

As Mellie went to my shoulder, I grabbed her around the waist and she fell into my arms and we dropped to the floor. I looked at her. The poor love. I sighed and started pinching my arms, hoping I'd wake up.

"Nicola, right? And this poor dear must be Emelia" Albus Dumbledore's voice croaked into my head. His voice whizzed around in head, and I felt a bit faintish too, but I just sat with Mellie on my floor, now looking up at him.

"Mum. Get the pen. Sign it. Please. Before they turn you and Darren into flying monkeys" I turned to my Mum and begged dramatically. A look of horror came across her face as she was staring at Albus, listening to me, and she immediately ran into the kitchen to get a pen.

"Now, I don't think there would be any need for that." A whisper said, and I must have jumped out of my skin. At least twice. It was Dumbledore, but he was grinning all the same. He fiddled with his beard and looked at Hagrid. "You gave them a bit of a scare, Hagrid."

"Sorry 'edmaster. Didn't mean ter'."

I butted in, my Mum now at my side, doing a similar pee-dance as Mellie was before. "Okay, I'll sign the bloody thing" she said, tapping the pen in one hand onto another. My threat of flying monkeys seemed to of worked. She believed me.

Albus Dumbledore chuckled, looking at my Mum with the pen in her hand. "You muggles and your mysterious inventions." And he pulled out a feather from his pocket. "Use this" Mutti looked at him as if he was barking, and leant in towards him. "But that's not a pen" She whispered warily, as if Albus Dumbledore, my new headmaster wasn't aware of that fact.

And there was me, still clutching Emelia, on the floor. "Er. Sorry. Sir? Dumbydore? Can you like, hex her and just make her sign it?"

"I'll do 'et!" Hagrid exclaimed, and before I knew it, my Mum was signing her signature in a blue biro pen, on pieces of old scrap parchments. Once she had finished, she nodded at me, and fainted.

"Oh for the love of God." I screamed. "Err. Mr. Dumbledore, Sir-person" I squeaked. "We.." I looked down at Mellie. "We accept. Even if my parent, PARENT I say, did go barmy, and God knows what about Emelia's Mutti und Vati." Oh God, I was talking in half German.

"Wonderful!" Dumbledore retorted, clapping his old hands together in delight. "Dear Julie said that you'd be up for it.. She wa-"

His voice drained away. Oh dear God. My new Headmaster was chummies with my, now, er, old Headmistress. Wonderful. That definitely made her a witch. Fuck. Well, we always knew she was off her rocker.

* * *

**MELLIE**

"E' wasss all a deam?" I slowly blinked open my eyes, everything was blurry and I saw Nikki, she was holding me. I coughed slightly and sat up on her staircase ruffling my hair, I was sitting in front of her. Nikki looked a bit distant, but then looked down at me.

"Mellie..?"

I coughed, the croaked out again. "It was all a dream?" She let out a long sigh, and then looked at me sympathetically.

"Don't faint again!" She warned before pointing at Dumbledore, Hagrid and Mutti Larkham unconscious.

"Oh my.." I looked up at Dumbledore and waved excitedly. "Hi!!" I got weird looks from Nikki (the usual ones) and Hagrid who then grinned and Dumbledore chuckled heartily, making his eyes light up and sparkle. He lifted a pale hand feebly waving back; I started to bounce a little on my bum.

"Strange child." Nikki said, looking down at me.

"I wanna get to Hogwarts!" I squealed, expecting an eruption Nikki backed away for me a safe meter or so. Hagrid took the hint and stepped back – only to demolish another part of the wall.

"Oh dear.." Dumbledore said, a faint smile on his lip. "Don't worry, we'll fix that." He pulled out his long, thin wand and flicked it effortlessly. _"Reparo." _My breath failed to do anything as the smashed door got up and placed itself on its repaired hinges and wall. When he did the same to the freshly demolished ruins I thought I'd faint again.

Then I started breathing irregularly. That's when Nikki really took the hint and ran past me, hastily snatching her British Gash gold umbrella, putting up and putting it in front of her like a shield. Aimed at me.

"I believe, it's a muggle saying that an umbrella being up is 'bad luck'. Hm?" Dumbledore said, smiling merrily at Nikki as he craned his neck over the umbrella.

"I DUN CARE!" She screamed, that's when I began to laugh hysterically falling down the stairs a bit. I laughed even harder and started to cry when I looked up and the giant was scared. The giant was scared!!

I don't know how long it had been, Dumbledore and Hagrid both tried to decide if something was wrong with me, or I'd been put under a charm. As I slowly calmed down and started to breathe properly again I bounced up and Nikki put the umbrella down.

"You twat." I hissed at her, grinning, she smirked back and shook her head at me.

"Err.. Well. We leavin' 'eadmarster?" Hagrid looked at Dumbledore who nodded softly.

"Yes, yes. Once the girls get their things together we shall travel to Miss. Smith's home where Minerva is keeping her calm. Then to Diagon Alley to get their stuff, well you'll take them there. I will have to go to a meeting. Then, you shall bring them to school from Flourish and Blotts fireplace. They're expecting." Dumbledore bounced on his feet again as Hagrid nodded, then looked at us expectantly.

"But," Nikki said, pointing to Mutti Larkham. "What about my mum?" To make the point, she stood by her before grabbing her, dragging her and attempting to put her on the sofa before giving up and propping her against it instead.

"Oh." Dumbledore said softly, stroking his long beard right down to the bit tucked into his belt. He ruffled his robes and took out two parchments, two inks, and two quills. He passed one of each to Nikki. "We'll write notes." He said, nodding in an affirming way.

Nikki nodded feebly before walking to her table, and attempting to write freshly with her first time ink and quill. It was actually quite funny – I always moaned at how lovely and neat Nikki's print handwriting was. But as she tried to write ink splodges dotted the page and she didn't hold the quill properly and her writing went all funny.

This was escorted by a mountain of swear words from her, earning raised eyebrows from Hagrid and Dumbledore. Snorts and giggles from me. When she finished she put a messy dot and signed her name then let the parchment float onto Mutti Larkham's lap.

"Right!" Nikki said, nodding to us all. Dumbledore handed her a neatly folded note to which she hastily dropped it on top of hers. "When we going?!" I noticed she was bouncing a bit now too, we were both uber excited.

"As soon as you pack." The headmaster said, flicking his wand again as Nikki's own personalized trunk appeared and floated up the stairs and probably to her room.

We both nodded madly and jetted up the stairs. Dumbledore began rocking on his feet, humming quietly as he waited.


End file.
